life has been alright lately. i kind of have a new thing i�m doing. about 2 weeks ago i was really stressed out with work and my muscles were really tight and i just wasn�t enjoying it at all. i finally got to the point where i said, i�ve got to do something different to change this. i ended up deciding to stop all forms of entertainment in an attempt to calm down, and it worked. when i would listen to music coming home from work, watch tv as i ate, and then go to bed before too long, i just didn�t feel like i was able to wind down. so for about 2 weeks now i haven�t been watching tv and have listened to very little music. the silence has been helping me in several ways. it helps me relax and its also helping me deal with reality better. i�m afraid that i was using entertainment as a way of escaping my life (and think i�ve done this for quite a while). its like entertainment lets the problems in your life be bearable. it numbs you to them and you end up watching a lot of tv and movies and not doing much on working out your problems. i�ve decided that i want to take the feelings of unfullfillment, and instead of numbing them with entertainment, solve them by determining how i�m going to make my life better. and i think its been helping some. i have a real real long way to go. but i think i�m getting a little bit better. because i stopped entertaining myself, my apartment got all clean, i was able to plan a trip back to my college where i saw lots of my old friends, and i was able to talk to a lot more of my old friends than i would have on IM and phone. i�m starting to want to call the friends i haven�t talked to in a while and starting to actually want to live life rather than just getting thru it so i can come back and escape in entertainment some more. i�ve probably subconsiously over exaggerated the effects its had on me but i really do think that its going to be a good thing for me. i seem to have a little bit more hope now than i felt before. it was hard stopping too. i live by myself at this apartment for the majority of the time so its a lot of silence. and at first i felt the effects of stopping like it was withdrawl symptoms or something, and it felt painfelt to just let my mind turn its wheels on its own for so long. to let that pain come out rather than pushing it back down. to just take it. after i had done this awhile my dreams started getting much more interesting. i started being caught up in my dreams more and they seemed to be of more significance. like my subconscious was jumping on the chance to try and work thru some issues. i�ve been remembering more of my childhood and hs yrs lately. i was looking thru my old yr books and the memories and emotions came flooding back to me. i brought the yr books back from my parents place. i plan on going through them and trying to resolve some old issues that i have. kind of put myself in the situations again and see how i would handle them now, and hopefully leave with a feeling of confidence rather than helplessness and inferiority.
even tho all of this has been helping i�m not saying that all entertainment is bad or anything like that. but i am saying that the way i was using it to escape so much was bad for me. i love music and still listened to some music this weekend (altho not for very long) and it helped motivate me even more. i�m just having to focus on using it correctly. i also saw a show with my parents that came on abc about Jesus and Paul and it was real interesting. and i think that if its balanced, occasional escape is probably a good thing. but i was just doing it too much and needed to unwind to silence. but i do think back to the past about how i would be if i would have used all that time i spent playing video games and watching movies on becoming a better person and improving my life. i plan on continuing this strategy for as long as it seems to continue giving me benefits, which i think may be for awhile.
i feel that i�m at a very significant point in my life and i want desperately to improve myself. i want to give my subconscious as many opportunities as i can to let it tell me what its upset about. i want to be at peace with God and replace this bitterness inside of me with Love. I want to work through my issues and be emotionally healthy enough to be a bf.
i want to be so into living life that i don�t want to escape from it.
9:36 p.m. - 2004-05-09
Recent entries:
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