�sell your cleverness and purchase bewilderment�
dr. dyer quoted someone for that, i forget who
not going to talk about that quote, just wanted to throw it out there. i guess cuz i don�t know what i think about it, but i like it nonetheless.
work has still been getting to me and has heightened my interest in investigating my other options.... i�m still going to keep trying it out, knowing that it takes awhile for you to get your feet on the ground and see how good or bad a job could be. but in the meantime, i�m going to research all my other options. such a monumental task. so, what do i want to do with the rest of my life. the bad thing about it is that its hard to just try something out cuz most of the time there is a lot of prereqs you have to put in. i guess the key is to try it out as much as you can along the way. i should have taken more co-ops when i was going through school...
i had kind of a neat moment playing the keyboard the other day. i was playing a song that my dad wrote but never finished, he would improvise different endings to it but none stuck. i too have written many a song like that. but i was playing to it and creating my own endings and then i had this interesting feel of beauty and purpose. like st. augustine had written about how our lives need to start and stop in order to create meaning, like one word ending for the next word to start for a sentence and meaning to be made. as i was playing and expanding on my dad�s song it brought across the feeling of how a song can go on infinitely but every point along the way still carries the same significance as when it was created if not more. i think one of our main purposes in this life is to make our music, to play our part in the symphony of life. however that may be. whether by creating art, music, philosophy, or just being good friends to people and touching many others lives. it all gets recorded like a song. and i think its more like a song than we initially think. we think about how when we�re gone our impact will gradually fade away. but i think that life will be like a song in that it gets reborn every time it is played again. i think that after we�re dead the music we made will resonant forever. i have this idea (probably other do too) that instead of they�re being 3 spatial dimensions and then time, it could be that on another level, there are 4 spatial dimensions. for example, look at a 2 dimensional world and add time. you could represent that 2D world + time with one three dimensional solid figure. all of the things that happened are captured all together in the solid. this makes some sense in that time is infinitely divisible just like space, and time has physical type properties too, for example the way its relative, i.e. changes with respect to velocity and gravity. (The classic example being a twin who departs to space and goes very fast (some percent of the speed of light). When he comes back he will be younger than his twin who stayed on earth. (check out Einstein�s theory of relativity for more info on that if you�re interested. which by the way is more than i theory in that its been proven several different ways and has to be taken into account for such things as GPS devices)). But thats how i sometimes imagine the after life. it all existing simultaneously as one solid entity in a state of utter completion.
heres some other thoughts i�ve written down throughout the week meaning to put in here eventually:
Monday May 24
i went to the jazz festival fri. night with ------. it was pretty fun. the part i liked the best was how lots of people were dancing in the street right up at the stage. it was so cool to see and ponder. it made us all seem like water on the ocean moved by energy in the form of a wave. it made us all seem unified and individualistic at the same time. and it made me start to think about what dr dyer quoted from max planck in a pbs show i watched. about there being no matter as such. you look in an atom and its mostly empty space. you like at one of the protons or neutrons, and its mostly empty space. it all seems to boil down to an unexplainable force holding it together, vibrating in such a way to make it an upquark, then a proton, then an atom then a molecule, then a flower or a girl. but really what it is is the energy and organization. when you play a song on an instrument. is it the compressed air that is created that is significant? no its the energy, the meaning and emotion that is in the organization of that compressed air. when we stare at this computer screen is it the 0�s and 1�s that ultimately everything boils down to that is important when we watch a movie or read what we type. no its the energy/organization that goes behind it. George Berkeley once hypothesized that there was no such thing as matter, that it was only our perception of it. in a way i think he may be right.
is it the energy that holds the atoms together thats important, or is it the organization behind the energy thats important??
Wednesday May 26, 2004
It feels like my emotions are like a huge pipeline which I have barricaded. the pressure builds and builds, but nothing comes out. occasionally i�ll wonder over to the wall and think about feeling again. a few emotions somehow squirt through the barricade but they hit me with such magnitude that it lets me know there is a huge flood dying to get out and that scares me to death. i don�t know why. as part of my anti-apathy campaign i should be dying to have the water flood all around me and take me away but i am scared.. the thing is, a lot of times it happens when i�m in public and then i�m way to scared to look so messed up. i got the most emotional i have in a long time when i was at church a couple weeks ago. the music was absolutely gorgeous and incredibly powerful. to hear everyone�s voices blending together so beautifully, pouring out their love and awe of God, it was really moving. and then i had this feeling and thought. a feeling and thought that somehow i had transcended time and felt like what it must feel like to be in heaven, and then i had to stop singing and had to concentrate on not fully breaking out into tears. if i would have let myself go much longer i�m not sure i could have kept myself together.... maybe i would have been better off if i hadn�t. but i didn�t want the attention. plus i�ve always been ashamed of crying which is almost certainly why its been so hard for me to do all these years. i saw a lady in the choir crying too.
7:53 p.m. - 2004-05-31
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