not too much has changed. been working real hard at work lately and haven�t had much time for anything else.... lately i dreamed i was turning into a machine. sometimes it feels that way. like i�m changing from me into the project engineer that works at my company.. I also stopped going to the church i was going to. it was too conservative for me. as i mentioned before, i�m really struggling with religion and its becoming harder and harder for me to find a church i like. i went to a unitarian church. it was a good thing. its a good thing to have a church thats for everybody who doesn�t fit in anywhere else, but is searching for God, truth, happiness and how to be a better person. i�ll probably go back there on occasion, even if I do find a Christian church that I can be in while i struggle with my faith.... i get this mental image in my head of myself hanging by a rope amidst a dark powerful storm. i used to have a nice shelter from it all that kept me safe and in place, but now i�m hanging by a thread, and below me the tumultuous mysterious unknown. I need to spend more time reading and searching for God. I also need to make more friends who have similar goals.
below is a little something i�d prepared earlier to put in here.
for some reason i came home to a bunch of dead yellow jackets in my apartment at the end of one weekend. there was one alive, and this is what i observed: walking amidst his fallen companion the yellow jacket goes up to them and seems to check them out. as if he�s looking for someone. then he finds one yellow jacket and seems to get excited. he grabs the yellow jacket. pulls him around in a circle, over and over again, seeming frantic, without a specific purpose. he pulls him up over a ledge and then in circles, then back over the ledge again and in circles some more. then he picks it up and flies with it into the sliding glass door which he cannot escape, just like his fallen friend. he then drops his companion and tries frantically to get out. i ended up helping him get out. in a way it was like i could almost feel his heart racing. sometimes i wonder if we�re all the same, we�re just given different equipment to use. if all my soul had was the tools the bee is given, would i act any differently than they do? that bee seemed almost as traumatized as you or i would finding 50 of our fallen companions. i bet if that bee could have, he would have been screaming and crying up a storm.
nature seems to not care about them like she doesn�t seem to care about us. and what would it mean if animals were much more important and of worth than we typically give them credit for? it would seem to imply the same thing that has been resonating recently in my head: i must be missing something cuz this just isn�t making sense.
You know those motivational sayings people have. well theres also some demotivational sayings i�ve heard as jokes. here are some examples:
Failure is what happens when your best just isn�t good enough
Just remember, you�re unique, and so is everyone else
(showing a picture of a penguin) Limitations: spread your wings and theres no telling how far you can fly.
well i came up with one of my own: (showing a picture of a bug flying into a bug zapper): �always trust your instincts.�
9:06 p.m. - 2004-07-18
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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