a lots been going on with me lately. more than i have adequate time to write about. so i�ll just summarize where i can.
as usual, my struggles with Christianity have continued to get worse. however, its now to the point that i don�t want to go to a Christian church. i haven�t been in quite some time. probably 2 � 3 months. its such a sore spot for me right now and i feel going to church will only make it worse. i have gone to the unitarian church some, but not all that much. but at least i want to go to it sometimes. which brings me to a problem i did not really know in full until recently. you don�t really see this bad side of religion when you�re on the inside. of the hardest things i�ve ever had to do in my life, telling my family and friends that i now attend a unitarian church rather than a Christian church will really rank up there. If I had to tell them i all together rejected traditional Christianity, that might count for the hardest. (by the way i haven�t rejected Christianity but am struggling enough to worry about what would happen if i did). the social pressure is ENORMOUS. You don�t really see the impact of gaining society�s (family, friends you met through church or ones that just share your faith) approval until you lose it. at my church, i would go from this religious person that so many people saw as such a respectable young Christian man ready to give there daughters to (ok i�m exaggerating a little) to an unbeliever that they would never look at or talk to in the same way again. they would probably pray for me collectively. i would make them so sad and that disappointment and sadness i would bring them makes me so sad. and i haven�t even got to the big one yet. family. my Grandfather was a preacher. both sides of my family are very religious. i know my Mother would be very upset if that were to happen. and that would hurt me so. i�d be afraid we would never have quite the same relationship anymore. at the same time, i think she would learn to accept it. i�d be very tempted to keep my beliefs inside and just pretend, but i know i couldn�t live like that, and i wouldn�t. its just so incredibly hard to have friends or family go from thinking you will be with them in Heaven, to thinking that you will be burning in hell.
i also found out that the only girl i ever feel in love with, and wondered if i could ever love another, is getting married in a couple of weeks. this did lots of things to me. as i believe i�ve written previously, i still felt in love with this girl but knew that things couldn�t work out for us, and didn�t end up liking her characteristics even tho i still loved her (very very odd how that can be, i know). but anyway i feel like the spell is finally broken and i�m happy for her. i think i�ve written my final song about her and i just put it on besonic (see �music i wrote� link to the left). however, i must warn you, my unprotected computer and i got a bunch of spyware from streaming there recently and i had to go get some antivirus/spyware eliminator stuff. not really a good recording up now but i wanted have something up there to reference too. also, it probably won�t be up there for 2-5 days.
also, i�m thinking very seriously about quitting my job. so i�m having to get serious about this whole, what am i going to do with my life thing. it might end up being a career change all together. but i am very far from working out all the details. i get so tired of doing logistics stuff at work, and even when its good engineering stuff. i don�t think its what i want to devote my life to. and unfortunately, jobs take up so much time, that i think thats the best way to look at it.
regarding the instability of my current situation, i feel a bit like C.S Lewis when he wrote something along the lines of: its all seas and islands now, the great continent has sunk.
10:31 p.m. - 2004-10-12
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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