I wrote this earlier but didn�t put it in dland for some reason:
�Sunday November 7 2004:
i guess it was wishful thinking last week thinking that my attending a Unitarian church went over well with my Mom. she was passing thru town and we met for lunch. and now that i was with her face to face life became predictable again. it was sad and painful but i think she understood that i�m trying my best to find God and this is where its leading me. but it brought the fears i had had about it to life. it was very clear how worried she was about me, and how she looked at me differently.
the feeling of separation, being looked at differently. how is it that beliefs are so important in relationships? I�m the same person i was before. and i am still very concerned about confronting my old friends in the same way.
the dark side of religion.
the division of us and them�
(end of old entry)
I just had the family get together for Thanksgiving and things seem a little bit better now with my Mom. so thats good.
i�ve kind of been in a writing lull lately. partly cuz i�ve been so busy with other things i think. and i guess a lot of what i�ve got to say lately i don�t find too noteworthy. work got absolutely nuts the past couple weeks and will likely stay that way until i get my part redesigned and all the testing complete. so i�m not too happy with the world right now. most of my thoughts have been residing around the idea of changing careers. i feel like my whole life i�ve done the safe responsible thing that i was told was the wise thing to do. i�m tired of doing this and i think thats why i�m so unhappy a lot of the time. my subconscious is not happy with my decisions. your career seems to me to be what you devote your life too. it is where the majority of your time goes. i want to devote my life to something i�m passionate about. most likely something dealing with music but also could be doing something in academia (religion, philosophy, psychology, or music...). i like living in the abstract which is so opposite of where i�m at now. my job does have several good things about it tho, and i�m a lot happier than i was when i was at home with my parents with no job. my job works on improving my social problem areas of being shy, public speaking, being indecisive, worrying too much about things. this is also why my job is so hard on me. anyway i�m getting tired of hearing myself talk about work and i bet you are too.
altho the meditation classes i was going to are now over, i�m still doing it on my own and think i�ll stick with it. i feel its helped me in several ways. its helped me have a little bit more control over my thoughts and not let them take me for the trips they used to take me for (and still do a lot of the times). its helped me separate a little bit the mind from the will, in that you can decide how you will respond to thoughts and treat those thoughts differently. you can see your mind as another organ of your body rather than seeing it as your complete being. its also help me live in the moment a little bit more. and i had this funny thought that i can�t quite explain in words and when i do it sounds stupid. but alas, words are all i have to work with here. i have a problem with letting the past keep me down. i feel i hold onto my failures, fears, pain like its still all right here around me. I also worry about the future and carry that with me. To a large degree i live as if the present is just a summation of the past and my projections of the future. well i recently had this thought that what if the past and the future aren�t real at all, that time doesn�t pass, the presently just simply changes. i know that sounds stupid and obvious but for some reason it gives me a different mindset. it gives me the mindset that nothing is determined by fate and that even for fate to exist makes no sense. now is all there is, and now just simply changes. and for some reason this helps me understand the concept that now is all we ever have.
11:04 p.m. - 2004-11-27
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