its been forever since my last entry and that hasn�t really been by choice. i have been extremely busy with work from mid nov up until this past week. the part that i�m the engineer for had a failure in testing and i had to redesign it, get the new parts in, and finish the rest of testing in a big hurry. i also had to take a solo trip to France and change out the bad parts with the newly redesigned parts. (The part goes on an airplane which will be going on its first flight before too long, so time was a very important factor.) However i did find out that my bosses don�t expect me to work as hard as i did, and thats good to know. i don�t plan on working that much again. i can�t just sacrifice my personal life for that long. altho i was still going out some but that was all i was doing � working and then going out maybe once on the weekend. but i need time to think, read, write in here, play music, talk to old friends, things like that.
So what can i talk about in this entry other than how i worked too hard the past two months?....i guess my trip to France would be a good start. it was my first time out of the country. i had been wanting to go out of the country. see how others do things differently. and it was a real good mind opening experience. its so weird to all of a sudden be surrounded by people that are all different from you and who most of them you can�t even communicate with. some things i noticed while i was over there:
they were very concerned with aesthetics. the paris airport was like a work of art, and it looked very futuristic. the maid for the hotel i was staying at had arranged my bathroom stuff, which was scrambled everywhere, into a pattern fit to be photographed.
the people seemed more relaxed and less in a hurry (altho they did drive fast). parents were more into playing with their children than constantly disciplining them. and people just seemed to me a little more interested in enjoying living rather than getting things done.
everybody was thin (not overly thin, just not overweight) over there. a bunch of thin dark haired amelie�s moving about; i was a happy tourist. a happy tourist wishing he could speak french. i was surprised how few people spoke english well over there. its such an odd feeling to try and talk to someone and them have no clue what you�re saying... also, it seemed true what they say about the french being romantic. there were affectionate couples everywhere. also apparently its not considered indecent for a woman to be topless over there, in ads anyway. i don�t know how many times just walking down the street i would see an ad with a topless woman, for hand lotion or something normal like that or on the cover of a magazine. i even had french in elementary school but could really remember anything.... : (
a few personal notes regarding the trip. it was nice finally having time to just sit and wait. i read and wrote some and meditated. when i arrived it was around 1:30 pm French time and 7:30 am my time and i hadn�t really gotten any sleep. all by myself on the other side of the atlantic. i took a shuttle to the hotel and tried to talk to the drivers, but they didn�t speak english. i arrive at the hotel and am tired as hell. frazzled from the journey and feeling apprehensive about going out and about cuz i�m all by myself and don�t know jack about what to expect, i sat and debated what to do. i was picturing myself getting picked out of a crowd and robbed or messed with or something (i had heard that french people didn�t like americans.) but i figured the chances of that were small and that it was worth the risk. it was a nice feeling. i was scared and the safe comfortable thing to do was to climb into bed and go to sleep. but i decided that if something happened to me it would be worth the risk. i need to do that more in life. some things are worth the risk. so i took a cab to the middle of a big french city that i knew nothing about and just started walking around. well i was very pleased that i had done so. the city was beautiful and very old. the buildings and squares were incredible. the stuff you see in movies. and i was a sponge trying to soak up as much culture as i could. i don�t think i�ve ever seen anything as incredible as the old churches that i went into. the elaborate statues and paintings on the ceilings, and the whole design and layout. it was an awe inspiring experience to be one of thousands or millions over hundreds of years to witness its beauty. also to see the old busts of ancient figures was an interesting feeling. art is an interesting thing because its experience depends on the observer. you can get as much or as little out of it as you want most of the time. but if you get nose to nose with it and look at every brushstroke or every detail of the sculpture you see it on another level. you almost feel the passion of the artist coming out of it.
i was making out pretty good with the little french i did know. nobody really messed with me and i didn�t really feel any animosity from people for being american when they found out. (altho i did see a fair amount of anti-bush propaganda while i was there.)
I had dinner in very nice restaurants, feeling no sympathy for the expense report my company would be faced with because of how hard i had been working. the food was very good.
one thing which would have made it a lot more fun was having someone else there with me. preferably someone outgoing. i was wanting to meet people there to kind of hang out with and get to know the french on a personal level. but i was afraid of people knowing i was a foreigner all by myself. thought they might try and take my money. i tried talking to a couple people but didn�t really make any friends. and just went back to walking around.
but there was a lot to see and take pictures of so i was still pretty happy about the whole thing. it was neat how unstructured a lot of things were over there but how they still worked. like traffic for instance. maybe i just didn�t know what the rules were but it seemed kind of like how the rules are at a shopping mall with no marked signs; everyone just watches out for what the other does. in the middle of a busy road i would be waiting for a break in the cars so i could cross, but instead i found that the cars would stop for me. i didn�t see a stop sign or anything, it was just a cross walk. also all the one lane roads people would be riding their bikes, rollerblading, or walking in, and when i car would come they would get to the side.
being in another country and seeing their culture hit home what i already believed about how influenced we are by our surroundings. i left with a desire to see more cultures and learn about them, and wishing that i had studied abroad in college.
on the extremely long plane ride back to the US, after meditating for quite awhile, i had an awesome experience while listening to Adagio for Strings op. 11 (1936) by Barber being sung by a choir. (by the way that song is incredible). in my mind the music turned into dancing light which was moving together so beautifully right when the pilot came on and said something long and drawn out that i couldn�t understand... i�ve been trying to find that version of that song but can�t.
since i had 11 hrs on a plane to work with (1.5 hrs was a delay) i decided to try thinking about what i wanted to do with the rest of my life. it boiled down to one simple thing. when i play music i feel like i�m getting at, digging down to, that which i most desire. its in those moments that i feel i�m doing exactly what i should be doing. and i think digging down in that area is whats most important. i get that feeling with some other things too but not as consistent or deep as with music. so for better or for worse, in poverty or in wealth my desire to devote my life to music was enhanced. now i just need to figure out the logistics.... which always seem to be the problem for artists. they never seem to lack desire, just getting someone to pay them.
wow, this is a pretty long entry. sorry if i was a little verbose. i hadn�t written about my trip to france in my personal journal yet so this entry is serving two purposes.
4:41 p.m. - 2005-01-30
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