so the dland slacker that i am finally decided to put an entry in here. i�m really depressed right now, and am probably writing in here because i want to tell someone about it.
Family life has gotten harder and made me sad, in addition to other things. i guess my Mom was partially in shock before and thought my change in religious views would just wear off. but now that time has gone by i guess she got more worried.
i had been avoiding the issue a good bit, maybe that was part of the reason for getting into meditation so much. it felt damn good not to think about things. but i guess i could only avoid it for so long. some of this is too personally painful for me to discuss in here... i guess i�m still avoiding a little bit by failing to write down some of this in words. My religion has been embedded so far into my brain, that its effects are quite powerful.
i now sympathize w/ everyone who has been turned off from having people preach at them. although, i got to say what i wanted to say. I told my Mom how big the social pressure is on one to conform to society�s accepted religion and how its a terrible feeling to have someone all of a sudden look at you differently, judge you, and treat you as if you were a different person. things were better after i said that.
altho before hand i had been pressured in to going to church, and said i would go. i have another friend who is in the same type of situation and has been living that way for awhile. he said he will go to church sometimes just because it makes his family happy. i thought it would ease her concerns if i showed that i�m not afraid of hearing anything. but it was a very painful experience. it had been quite a long time. all those eyes that were full of love and acceptance could change to judgemental fear in an instance. i had people tell me i should be a preacher in the past. i had taught the youth�s Bible lessons before. luckily no one asked what church i was going to that day. i was hoping the sermon would focus on something general like spiritual growth. instead it focused on how the world was turning away, like me, for not believing in the exclusive privilege of Christians to be saved an enter into Heaven. All others live based on the desires of their flesh and are destined for Hell. However, one good thing did come out of that trip. I had been feeling somewhat guilty for coming to an abrupt stop w/ my financial contributions; i no longer feel guilty. as i watched the sunday sermon and saw all those children being molded into the worldview of their parents, it made me sad. as i looked around the congregation, realizing how to such a large degree their fate was out of their hands, i felt sorry for them, just as i feel sorry for myself and for this world. i wondered if the hs kids i had taught sitting next to me would wonder why i wasn�t singing hymns or participating in the service.
altho this experience makes me appreciate what i have, for it could be a lot worse. in the end they want what is best for me and are supportive, even though they are sad and confused i�m sure. i feel so sorry for anyone raised in an extremely conservative home, where they would probably disown you for going against their faith. Also, I am lucky that not all of my family looks at my differently now.
I fear the family reunions, those very conservative people asking me where i go to church now. we all get together and sing hymns at my family reunion. or what about when/if i get married. or do i want my grandparents in the time they have left being estranged from me, fearing for my soul? its enough to make my wonder whether i made the right decision... whether or not i should just pretend to be something i�m not. as a result i would grow very distant from everyone, not letting them see the real me. let them like for who i am, or not at all. altho, i would prefer it if the subject never came up.
interestingly enough, the sermon did remind me of one useful thing. i�ve been so focused on getting my life on a better track lately (mainly changing jobs and trying to fix myself physically (my neck)) that i think i�ve gotten too focused on myself. i need to somehow balance living my life as good as i can while at the same time live for loving and helping others. because when i just get focused on my life, everything just feels meaningless.
i don�t know what i think exactly of Jesus right now, but i do know that i can no longer accept traditional Christianity. A lot of Jesus� sayings are beautiful teachings and the story is amazing. It intrigues me how Christianity started, which i�ve always thought was a strong argument for Christianity. (altho i wonder how many other religions are intriguing if you�re brought up your whole life being taught their stories by a society full of believers. all believers seem pretty equally convinced). still, whether Jesus is the Son of God seems to me to be an academic pursuit and not the foundation of a happy life or salvation. in the end i listen to the voice inside of myself that tells me that this is not God�s plan. Otherwise i would have to believe in a very unfair cruel God, or believe that my reasoning wasn�t good for anything. in the end i have to listen to the voice that has been loud enough all the while to overcome an entire life of upbringing and being surrounded by those who believe. loud enough to make me alienate myself from some of my family and old friends.
the world seems very sad to me right now.
9:32 p.m. - 2005-03-28
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