i�ve been wanting to write in here but for the past 4 wks or so i�ve been doing nothing but work and the maintenance that goes along with living.
i normally don�t watch movies anymore. I felt that they take me away from life and I�m trying to become as aware and into my life as possible. but i�m thinking that really, balance is the key.
my deadlines were this past week. we had our customers fly in from Germany so that they could have a meeting with me and my colleagues for 3 days and go over the work i had done. this was the first time i had flat out failed to deliver all they asked for. i simply didn�t have enough time to do it all. but life went on just like i knew it would and now i�m sitting here typing in my journal about how i shouldn�t have stressed so much about it. but anyway, i took off work a little early on Thursday and checked out Garden State from the library. So many people had recommended it to me i figured i�d give it a try. and again i see the value in movies just like music and other arts, if they are kept in their place and not abused. watching tv makes you feel as if you�re not alone, which can be a bad thing if it means you never get out and do things; especially when you have a single apartment. i liked the movie. i related to the main character because i struggle with apathy and numbness a lot too. the movie really inspired me to live life more intentionally, rather than just reacting to things. it gave me the feeling that life could be really good, and i became more determined to overcome my apathy and jump into the swimming pool of life rather than just observing from the outside. plus it tickled my old ideas about the infinite bliss that could come w/ falling in love (which is one thing about movies i really have to be cautious of. sometimes they paint too rosey of a picture and you just get disappointed). but life seemed much more full of possibilities after i watched it. plus there was something about the comforting mood of the movie, which seems best captured to me in that song by the shins �new slang�. it felt like a humanist type of movie, in a way. Humanism is an idea i�ve been exposed to a fair amount at the UU church, that i didn�t know much about previously. www.m-w.com defines humanism as:
doctrine, attitude, or way of life centered on human interests or values; especially : a philosophy that usually rejects supernaturalism and stresses an individual's dignity and worth and capacity for self-realization through reason
Sam is really the humanist superstar of the movie. she is so into life, and she is so in tune w/ her emotions. she mentions at the beginning that she doesn�t think she believes in God. she places such a big importance on people, whether they are happy or not, and what happens in their life. she is so into life because she says, �its really all we have�. To me that is humanism in a nut shell. the feeling of this is all we have, and an incredible desire to make the most of it. i have a friend that is a humanist and she is that way. in a way it seems to be a good way to be. making the most of life is such an important thing and it seems like its brought out very well by the humanist pt of view. when i felt safe and completely assured of my afterlife in Heaven, life seemed kind of like a chore that we had to bear for now. Christianity told me that this world was a fallen world; it had fallen into sin and the world was controlled by evil desires. we were to be in the world but not of the world. i retained some of these values (in that i still recognize the importance of spirituality and love) but i lost a lot of the negativity that went along with it. i have a friend who doesn�t really say what he is, but he�s got a lot of humanistic traits. he had this to say about going to Christian churches: why do they spend so much time talking about how bad i am and how i need to repent? i don�t want to focus on the bad parts of human nature, i�d rather focus on the good parts, and how we can make them better. i know that Christians� intents are good; they feel they are trying to save people. but in a way Christianity looks at the world with judgement, and humanism looks at it with sympathy and empathy.
i feel like some of humanism�s zeal for life is rubbing off on me, but part of the way i want to experience life to the fullest is to know God as closely as i can. its the rejection of supernaturalism that bothers me about humanism. but as for the movie, it didn�t reject this, it just wasn�t willing to bet the farm on it, and i am starting to feel this way too. what�s the reason i�m here? it must be so that i can be here and live my life. just like the plants and animals and all the people before me.
so the movie inspired me. on Fri i went to this random educational event by myself (on how music effects the brain). normally i don�t go out and do things by myself. i had a good time and was at least around some people my age. it felt good to be in a classroom again, as weird as that sounds. and sat i helped a friend i don�t know well get her house ready to sell. i made some new friends from the UU church by doing it. i was surrounded by people i didn�t know and i had a pretty good time. part of me was thinking, i need to just do more things, even if they are random things that i have to do by myself. and maybe one day i�ll meet some girl as cool to hang out w/ as Sam. it felt good to do some things i normally don�t do. plus on the way home i screamed in the car several times and it felt damn good.
9:24 p.m. - 2006-03-18
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