been crazy busy w/ school stuff. Had a concert featuring some of my music and wrote music for several competitions. Concert went fairly well.
Probably the most substantial thing that happened since i last wrote occurred after i was inspired by seeing a live production of �Gem of the Ocean�. Both the story and the acting were incredible. Here is what i wrote in my private journal after i saw it:
I saw �Gem of the Ocean� yesterday. It is probably the best play i'll ever see. Bring you to tears from beauty and sadness. Extremely powerful. I left more inspired than i've been by art in quite some time. The main feeling i got was life is not about how cushy and cool you can make it. Its about the adventure and worth of doing whats right. Its facing your fears, following your heart, and sharing w/ each other in the journey. To live like you were dying.
I needed this. I've been having a harder time than normal w/ my neck. Maybe its cuz i've been playing guitar and piano more but i'm determined not to let this stop me. It feels so mental too. At class recently i spazzed out reading my speech. It was very personal and i just felt like a loser crazy guy being exposed for who he was. Whatever i feared the next moment became a reality and that made me fear even more until everything i feared had happened and then i just finished it out. Hand shook a lot, then neck started twitching, as my voice was shaking. But i am now determined to beat this (i think the play helped too). Life can be beautiful and i want to be a part of it and this fearful side of me keeps me on the sidelines in so many different ways.
It also helped w/ my decision about my career. I think it will require harder work / be more challenging. It is definitely not the easy cushy way. But it is living. It is spending my days how i would look back and want to spend them. It is chasing my dream rather than watching my days go by.
I had the feeling of really being determined to face my fears. Like that this is the point of my life. And i plan on doing it. Maybe i'll be embarassed, probably. So f*#$ing what. Thats no reason not to do what your purpose is. Bruised, beaten, feeling out of control, but alive. Like Solly said in Gem of the ocean, when he found out his body could recover after getting beaten/damaged : your blood is like a river that just keeps flowing.
************ end private entry
here's a little more detail about the speech where i spazzed out. Here's what I read:
There are many things in this world that I like: snow skiing, making money, traveling, to name a few, but I am in love with music. My main purpose as an artist is to develop this relationship and be around it as much as possible. There are many reasons I love music, but one of the biggest is because of its mystical quality. Music places me inside a realm where I feel I can have experiences and find answers that have otherwise evaded me. Music seems to me to be the language of our innermost core, speaking deeper meaning than is capable with words and connecting us with something we've longed for even though we never knew what it was.
Another reason I love music is because I find purpose and meaning in it. I've learned to listen closely to what my heart has to say and playing and writing music has always felt like what I'm supposed to be doing. While there are many fields that are valuable to society, I believe the arts are among them and fulfill an important role. The majority of our worlds' problems are manmade and can be solved by man with our existing technology. It is ourselves that need the most improvement and the arts can play an important role in this. Music can communicate truths about our common humanity and the beauty of life where words can sometimes seem shallow and fake. My vision as an artist is to communicate these truths and many others in the mystical way I described above. I feel like I've got a lot to say and it just seems wrong to go through life without saying it. Like author Dr. Wayne Dyer often says, �don't die with your music still in you�.
********** end speech
where i lost it was at �common humanity�, towards the end of the 2nd paragraph. Later i wondered why this happened. I was doing relatively ok until i got to that phrase. Was it coincidence or is there deeper meaning there?....
So i came across as this emotional, weird, and unstable guy to all of the new grad students that i wanted to make a good impression on but sometimes thats how it goes. We had been doing a lot of public speaking in that class and i thought i was getting better, but i guess that was just too personal.
But two days later i saw gem of the ocean and it really put me in a good frame of mind that i've been able to keep up til now and hopefully it will continue. Its the idea that living my life as best i can is my purpose. Every single thing i do, doing it well is my purpose. It feels like the reason i'm here. How you grow from facing challenges and doing good things just seems so purposeful to me right now. And its not even the external outcome that is the focus. Its being present in every second and giving it your best. It is replacing fear / focusing on the possible negative outcomes with determination and purpose. This is something that was very needed for me. Living this way feels so much better. Its like all of a sudden i have what i want, because all i want to do is do my best and i constantly have the opportunity to attempt that. Its focusing on the effort and the approach, not on the outcome. And this seems to make a big difference.
I had to get up on stage in the spotlight and introduce my songs at our concert. I was much more nervous about this than i was about reading in class but this time i had this new approach / determination on my side and it went fairly well. I am hopeful that this determination / approach is what i've been needing for quite some time.
10:48 p.m. - 2007-11-18
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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