almost 2 months since my last entry... its not that i haven't wanted to write i've just not given myself the time. I've neglected myself in too many ways lately for the cause of school/contests/work. I really need to balance myself better, otherwise i end up in a bad mood and life doesn't make sense.
I can't even remember what all has happened over the past 2 months... but i do remember some things. Somewhere along the way i lost the sense of purpose and determination i had in my last entry and it did me good to reread it. Wrote music for the modern dancers for a couple weeks. That was real intimidating but also very satisfying at times. There were a couple of the dancers i had hoped i might be able to date but it didn't work out... either turned out to be with someone else or our personalities were too different... Christmas and Thanksgiving seem like a blur it all went by so fast. And then i worked for 3 wks at my old engineering job, which was a little painful but very needed.
I recently found out that one of my friends has cancer. I don't want to get into the details but it really made me sad, and scared for her. She is such a beautiful person (inside and out) and is handling it all in a very strong positive way. But its such a hard thing that she's going through. I want to help make it better but i usually don't do a very good job in that emotional of a situation, and am not sure how much i helped. Watching her strength and positive nature in such a negative situation was both beautiful and very sad at the same time. It also made me encounter our mortality in another way (I think there's all different levels of awareness/understanding when it comes to this). And it just made me sad. It felt emptier than it usually does, and this scares me. I prayed hard for her, and need to continue to do so. I also need to concentrate more on my spirtual life. I've been skipping church and skipping writing/reading my journal and other spiritual books, and i've been skipping meditating... (this is turning into a personal entry, probably since i haven't written one in so long... hope you don't mind). i am working on a really big composition contest (a 5min piece for the local orchestra) and am really behind on it... but i don't think i want to continue to neglect myself for it... there's other things that are just so much more important. Life needs to make sense to me so i can be strong and do good things, and right now i'm scared, confused, and a little numb.
11:16 p.m. - 2008-01-06
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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