This summer has been much busier than I thought it would be. I guess most of my time was absorbed in finding a new place to live. School is in a bad part of town with only a couple decent spots close by. I searched and searched and finally found a pretty decent place. But the move in was terrible. The place wasn�t cleaned properly, A/C was out, electrical outlets weren�t working, toilet leaking, etc� Luckily things are in pretty good shape now. Its depressing to come in here after such a long period and have nothing all that noteworthy to write about. And in fact being depressed, is probably what I�m going to talk most about. I try to make my journal something I think people will want to read so sometimes I hesitate to throw myself a pity party, but sometimes that�s all that�s on your mind. I�ve been feeling rather powerless lately. I know how I should react to a lot of situations and what I should be focusing on but it just seems like I can�t do it. Had sort of a falling out with one of my friends over a girl. Me and the girl only hung out as friends with other friends, but I guess I should have listened to my instinct, instead of other�s advice and talked to him about it to make sure he knew my intentions (they were engaged about 1 yr prior). For some reason I just can�t seem to talk to him about it and am having a hard time caring now because he pissed me off so much because of some things he did. Its just left a real bad taste in my mouth that I feel rather powerless against. Work has also really been getting me down lately. I try so hard to separate it from my personal life but this just seems too hard to do. I got wrapped up in a project that�s just a complete mess and gets worse as time goes on. The very good news about this is that I stop working there in 3 wks. I just hope my name doesn�t get smeared in the process. I�ve been feeling very much like a loser lately due to my diminishing social scene. My single friends keep diminishing, and it gets old being single hanging out with couples. I�ve just gotten depressed about friends in general. It just seems hard to find real friends now. Most of the time it just feels like networking. How can this person help me and how can I help them, and that�s how you evaluate whether or not you want to hang out with them. You put up a fa�ade and when you don�t, more often than not they no longer want to hang out with you. It seems that the solution I am forced into is to find a girlfriend and get married. But there are very few girls I meet that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I had a good friend move away recently and I didn�t realize how much she held my social network together, plus she was a genuinely good friend. Another one of my good friends will be moving away in another year too. I need to find more friends but this seems harder and harder to do, especially when you are depressed. Eckhart Tolle talks about the importance of accepting what is. There is no point and resisting the fact that, at this present moment this is how things are. Their sting is really due to the fact of how you resist that they�re there. He says we should accept that it is what it is and then you can decide what to do to change it. so much of unhappiness does seem to be caused by us wishing things were different. If there were no i-pods we wouldn�t be upset that all we have is a cd player. Its not that our circumstance is so bad, its that we wish it could be so much better. I know all this intellectually. I also know that I�m being selfish, stuck on myself rather than focusing on helping others. But I just feel incapable of being any other way. Perhaps my selfish mind is reacting to all this Eckhart stuff and meditation. Its like its last stand or something? I�m so confused. I don�t want to enter this entry. But I�m going to. Feeling pathetic is just bothering me so much right now. I know I�ll get better though. I always do. This is just a ride my mind is taking me on that for some reason I haven�t been able to resist. I�m going to start meditating more and taking care of myself better. I guess sometimes you just have to work harder at it than others. In other news, a friend showed me a video that I thought was real cool. Its about a brain scientist who had a stroke that caused an enlightening experience very similar to what meditation practitioners describe: http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html And I also ran across this video of a lion�s reunion with his owners that I also thought was cool. It�s real popular so you may have already seen it: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25797678/
11:25 p.m. - 2008-01-11
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
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