I wrote the following on December 8 2008. At the time I didn�t feel right posting it:
I found out last week that one of my friends had killed himself. I hadn�t known him long but we became friends quickly, and I was pleased to find someone that I could relate to and be myself around rather than always trying to �be cool�. We were the same age, and had similar dispositions, although he was more upbeat and had better social skills than me. He was one of those people who you were just amazed how nice and friendly he was. He seemed to have nothing but love for people. I never saw him in any confrontation with anyone or say anything remotely unkind. He brightened up people�s lives and became friends with about everyone he came into contact with. I can�t say enough good things about him, and my mind can�t accept how he could have possibly killed himself. I�ve had moments of intense sadness and anger but they were very brief. I�ve mainly felt cold and numb. I just don�t know what to feel or think about it all. I�m a little worried for his soul� but overall think he�s ok. The book of near death experiences (Reflections on Life after Life, by Robert Moody) talks about how people who committed suicide had bad experiences and knew that they shouldn�t have done it and were glad when they came back to life. Normal near deaths almost always have good experiences and usually do not want to come back to life. I take all this with a grain of salt but it is a pretty convincing book. It worries me what emotional / spiritual state one would have to be in to do that, and I worry that it wouldn�t all of a sudden become better when you die. However, my Buddhist leanings would say that there really is no such thing as an individual soul and that he has merged back with the source, the essential nature of all things. But this is no longer theoretical; its real. Its my friend. What happened? It was either this or that� I need to pray hard, meditate hard, and get reconnected with my spiritual side. This life is serious but we tend to turn away from the spiritual, in favor of some quick and easy cheap thrills when there is an ocean of purpose and meaning below us that lays untapped.
When I first heard the news I was really skeptical. I kept saying, are they sure? My mind can�t imagine him doing it. although it should be able to. I�ve had those thoughts too. I know how painful and convincing the mind can be. Luckily I�ve always been able to see through it. I�ve always had a strong belief that it was a bad thing to do and that I was going to stick it out no matter what. We�re all in this together and I want to be there to help all the people who I might be able to help. I was going to fight.
My mind can�t comprehend all this. I am reminded of the shakespear quote:
There are more things in Heaven and earth than your philosophy can imagine.
Although this time I see that this covers more than just nice and happy subjects.
I don�t know what to think but I do know what I want to say, and this comes from a level deeper than my mind: I don�t judge you ____. My love and friendship for you is the same now as it was then, and I believe yours for me is also unchanged. Thank you for being such a good friend. My love and prayers are with you.
He was a great person, and will be missed by many.
-- end private entry
Since then I�ve heard lots of other people�s bad news. The college freshmen I heard preach at my hometown church when I was at home for Christmas, took his life a little over 1 wk ago. Today at UU service a couple talked about how their neighbor (who was a recluse) took his life. And the previous week at UU service we honored those that had died that year, and as I recall two friends/family of the congregation had killed themselves. I can�t seem to resolve this and perhaps that�s the right reaction. However, I think it does make me more sympathetic towards others and more eager to try and brighten their days.
I can�t imagine being the preacher at a ceremony for someone who committed suicide. The only thing that I can think that would come close to comfort is: well, hopefully, his suffering has come to an end.
I really wish I could make all this seem better but I can�t� (contemplative pause)
although I can�t mentally connect all the dots, I do have faith that everything is ok, or will be ok.
10:51 p.m. - 2009-01-11
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