Wrote this on December 22, 2008:
Meditated more this wkend, maybe everyday. Twice on sun. in evening went for about 20 - 25 minutes. I can�t even remember how it started but I was asking myself who am i. or I would have a thought and would say who said that. Nearly all the time it wasn�t me it was the human mind just running on autopilot. I could see all these thoughts, how I usually identify w/ them and then would ask, is that really me who said or thinks or feels that? And the answer was always no until� I started to feel things more intensely. I felt like I was getting ready to break down and cry just out of a sense of amazement I guess at the whole situation. My whole body began to tingle and I felt like I was moving inward. Similar to the feeling eckhart tolle described in the opening chapter of "The Power of Now", and I followed his lead and said resist nothing. But then I got scared. Like b4 (Adventures of an introvert).
I felt like I was walking in dangerous / very serious territory that I might not be ready for. And I fell back on saying �Lord please protect me�. And I thought, who was it that said that? Was it me or my mind. Is my idea of God just a mental idol? This creature who cries out to this God out of a sense of fear, is this me? Or is this conditioned thought, tangled up in its own web. I could not answer no to this, I could not say this was not me, and I was too scared and it felt too wrong to think that all I�ve experienced with this idea of God has been a delusion. It felt real, and it seemed to have very real consequences on several occasions. I then wondered if what I was doing was safe. Was it some form of magic or witchcraft? Was I dabbling in something I shouldn�t be. I had swore an allegiance to God and I felt like to go any further I had to acknowledge that what I thought was God could be in large part just created by my brain. These "God experiences" were thoughts I could not simply dismiss as thoughts. If I had been stripping away false identities, I finally got to an identity I couldn�t strip away. I was afraid. Afraid of what would lay below it. afraid that maybe I�m wrong to be doing this and this is bad. I knew what it once felt like to have betrayed God and felt kept away, out of his Presence, Protection, and Love (very vivid dream of being in hell, and the feeling didn�t end when I awoke. It wasn�t until I repented and waited and pleaded that I finally felt Forgiven). And that separation was the worst feeling I had ever felt. I knew then that the ONLY thing that really mattered was to get out of this state and become connected to God once again. Part of me thinks that this might just be delusion. But if I challenge this, if I loose this, I will have nothing. I worry that if I step out into the darkness there might not be anything there to support me. Or I might simply just go mad. Which I have dreamed about lately (dreamed I was being committed). Now I see the allure of the superficial. Its safe. It preoccupies you and lets you believe things are simple. You know what to expect. Things are about as intense and exciting as which football teams are going to play this wkend. I feel like I�ve found the bridge. There are no more deadends. But I�m not sure I�m ready to walk across it. just like b4 (see "adventures of an introvert" referenced above) I�ve gotten scaried and realized I might not be ready. I might be here living this life as a �human� for a reason. Perhaps being a human has a lot of things to teach me. It may be a natural slow process and I might be rushing things. This is what happened b4. At that time, I was incredibly frustrated and longing to know what lay beyond but then I perhaps saw a glimpse and got scared. And was then perfectly content learning the slow simple but real lessons that life had to offer. And 2 -3 yrs past. Now it happened again but this time more out of improved technique than sheer determination� someone who quickly runs across this (or perhaps someone who knows me well) might think I�m losing my mind / going psychotic. Does staring into the sun make you enlightened or just burn your eyes out� I�m going to slow down again. There�s plenty, PLENTY, of things I can learn by just living life. I have by no means mastered it. in fact, I�m significantly far behind on it� after I was done meditating I was still scaried, like you get when you�re a kid. I was seriously scaried to open my door and walk out into the dark empty house. They say that mystical experiences often involve a strong feeling of another presence, and that�s what this scaried feeling felt like. I really felt there had to be something there and was amazed when I opened the door and there wasn�t. as odd as this all is, I�ve felt I�ve made some progress. I often feel like I�m floating around aimlessly and feel very disconnected from what I truly am. I pealed back the layers and found a deep layer that might be who I really am or at least is a very basic, to the core delusion: which is a scared kid lying in bed praying for God to keep him safe.11:49 p.m. - 2009-02-01
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
one day at a time - 2013-09-20
compulsive internet surfing - 2013-04-14
ski trip - 2013-02-08
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