Finally some downtime. Classes don�t start til Thursday (I know really late�). So I�m enjoying every second of my time off from work, trying to take care of everything I neglected all summer. Theres a lot on my mind tho:
Unfortunately I�m not going to allow myself to talk about this too much because it involves my family and I don�t want to risk telling their secrets. Which sucks because I really need to talk about it with people. That�s the great thing about therapists though. I plan on making an appointment soon. I am really going to miss the socialist healthcare of college�. Lets just say there are some very big concerns regarding my family. Some scary stuff. Wish I could say more� As depressing as it is, it does make me feel even more needed, any even more determined to not let people down. This world needs me and everybody else to help make things better.
In other news, my 10 yr highschool reunion is coming up. Overall, I was happy to get away from the social scene from hs. But I did make some genuine friends that it will be good to see. At the top of the anxiety totem pole is that I will most likely see her. And her husband, and kids if she has them (I don�t think she does). �her� is the only girl I ever really fell for, and fell pretty hard for. I�ve talked about it b4 so I�ll try and keep it short. From middle school through first year in college I couldn�t get over her. We were kind of off and on, but never really all that much on. She mainly just liked to keep me on reserve I think� and occasionally would come onto me. It�s the strangest thing and my defining loser characteristic (being unable to get over her). I basically decided along time ago (early highschool) that this girl was bad news and I didn�t want to have anything to do with her. A femme fatale if I ever saw one. But when she asked me out I couldn�t say no. My logical side and emotional side were at complete odds. Although our last encounter she came onto me strong and I was finally able to resist. She later left the university and didn�t even tell me. Eventually my emotions got the better of me and I sort of accepting whatever my fate would be because it was too hard to resist. I emailed her hinting at the fact that I was sorry I turned her down. She went on to describe how great her new bf was (who became her husband). That was pretty much the last I spoke with her (about 8 yrs ago). If I ever get married, it will most likely be out of convenience / practical reasons. I just feel like I only had one shot at the head over heels thing and I blew it, and that part of me will never be back. Its still stuck. It shows in my dreams of her, which have returned once again. I�m being a little over dramatic� I think there still is some hope for me. But even if I�m single the rest of my life, that�s ok. It doesn�t affect you the reader of this entry in the least, and that makes me happy. There are plenty of things that are meaningful and joyful that don�t have to do with romantic love. I've made a very long story quite short. We really had an odd relationship...
PS - in my last entry I wrote about having my own place for the first time in 3 yrs. Just to clarify: I meant my first place all to myself (no other roommates). With all the stuff I feel inadequate at, I am at least proud that I�ve been able to support myself / living on my own.
11:49 p.m. - 2009-09-15
Recent entries:
honesty was a luxury and now i think i'm broke - 2015-04-09
left vs right brain - 2014-05-17
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ski trip - 2013-02-08
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